


There’s Something About Monster

by burglebezzlement



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Curses, Gen, Teen Magazines, Weirdness, monster hunt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-06 09:35:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15883395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burglebezzlement/pseuds/burglebezzlement
Summary: When a predator begins stalking the local boyband pack, Ford decides to investigate. Mabel may be the key to this mystery.Or: Mabel, Ford, and a monster hunt of a different kind.





	There’s Something About Monster

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Healy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Healy/gifts).



The weirdness fields in Gravity Falls have shifted over the years Ford spent in the portal. He still sees the old, familiar species, the gnomes and litches and plaidypusses, but there are new species now, like the boyband pack that sometimes scavenges in the garbage outside the Mystery Shack.

And then there’s the monster that brought him here, to this sun-dappled clearing in the forest.

The beast is giant, covered with matted, dark hair with leaves and vines caught in it. Its cruelly sharp claws dig into the forest floor, leaving tracks for Ford to follow. Whatever it is, the boyband seems to be its natural food source. Ford’s been watching the monster stalk them through the forest, silent on its horrible feet. 

As the pack frolics in the sunshine, the monster approaches through the trees. Silent. Preparing to strike.

Ford raises his gun. The boyband pack must be protected to be studied.

He’s about to pull the trigger when his gun sight suddenly goes fuzzy and pink.

“Grunkle Ford!” Mabel’s running towards him, her body blocking his shot at the creature. “Grunkle Ford, stop!”

Ford lowers his gun. “Mabel?”

“The monster’s my friend!”

“Mabel.” Ford shakes his head. “We’ve talked about this. Some monsters aren’t your friend, and you can’t make them —”

“No, you don’t understand,” Mabel says, all in a rush. “She’s not a monster-turned-friend, she’s a friend-turned-monster. Well, now she’s my monster-friend. But it’s not her fault, Grunkle Ford. We need to help her!”

In the clearing, the boyband pack raises their heads, scenting danger, and then dances into the forest. 

The monster is nowhere to be seen.

“It was just a tranquilizer dart,” Ford says, patting Mabel’s shoulder. “But it looks like we’ve lost her now. How about we go back to the Mystery Shack and you tell me what’s going on?”

* * *

Back at the Shack, Mabel hands Ford a Pitt Cola before slapping a pile of dusty magazines down on the table in front of him.

“We found a bunch of old Puma Beat magazines at the Shop Thrifty,” she explains. 

The young women on the magazine covers grin up at him. They wear berets and braces, their faces painted with cosmetics, their heads tilted in a manner Ford imagines might be called “sassy.” _Back to School, Back to Cool!_ , one of the covers shouts. _Five Lipgloss Tips for a New You._

Ford absently takes a sip of his cola. “I thought you were explaining the monster.” 

“I am,” Mabel says. She rummages through the pile and pulls out a magazine that looks exactly like the others, the girl on the cover mugging in orange and black from beneath another beret. _Throw Your Best Halloween Party!_ , Ford reads. _All the funnest games to play!_

Mabel opens the magazine to a full-page spread of Fun Party Spells You Can Cast Yourselves! and points halfway down the page. _Find Your Own Wolf-Man-Bare-Chest!_ , the caption reads. 

Ford leans in and starts sounding out the words of one of the other incantations. It claims to be a cantrip for smoother hair.

As he reads, a feeling of expectation builds around them, and a hush falls over the Shack, blocking out the noise from Stanley’s tour group and the chirping of the birds. The pressure builds, and a creeping darkness begins to spread from the doorway.

“Grunkle Ford!” Mabel shakes his arm. “Grunkle Ford, you can’t finish this, I can’t have you be a monster too!”

He looks up and realizes, suddenly, how close he was to finishing. He makes a complicated gesture, dismissing the working, and the darkness and pressure vanish, like a soap bubble popping.

“This is a transliteration of an ancient Daxtlar script,” Ford says grimly. He looks further down the page, to another spell claiming to provide the caster with something called a “super-rad shopping spree!!”, but doesn’t dare sound it out. “This magazine is highly dangerous.”

“How could it be dangerous?” Mabel asks, plaintively. “Puma Beat isn’t supposed to be dangerous. Unless you follow the kissing tips, anyway.”

“Perhaps Gravity Falls’ weirdness field is what allowed the spell to take effect.” Ford closes the magazine and pushes his chair back. “Which spell did your friend cast?”

Mabel bites her lip. “We were reading Wolf Man Bare Chest,” she says, “and there was this spell to help you meet the wolf-man of your dreams….”

“Say no more.” Ford puts a comforting arm around Mabel’s shoulders. “Fortunately, Daxtlar workings are easy to undo, provided I can get my hands on eight ghostblood candles and some cursed lavender.”

“What can I do?” Mabel asks. 

“Find a way to lure your friend and hold her long enough for us to unwork the spell,” Ford says. He gives Mabel a reassuring hug and lets her go. “I’ll go get the supplies.”

* * *

The clearing is filled with rough cardboard cut-outs of attractive young human men, and a strange, pungent scent that Mabel calls “Axe Body Spray.” At the edge of the woods, Dipper strains to hold a rope that connects, through a series of pulleys, to an enormous metal cage Ford recognizes from his Gremloblin research.

“Little help here, Mabel?” Dipper squeaks.

Mabel ignores him. “We’re ready, Grunkle Ford!” she yells. “Do you have the stuff?”

Ford pats his pockets, amused at the incongruity of calling cursed lavender and ghostblood candles “the stuff.” He has gathered these items over many years, through many struggles, and —

“Please say you’re ready,” Dipper says, and Ford nods.

“OKAY!” Mabel hits a button on a portable music player, and the sounds of men singing over heavy bass beats fill the forest. 

It’s not long before the monster arrives, sniffing the air and sidling into the clearing. She approaches the cardboard cutouts, silently at first, and then throwing one shaggy arm around one of the “men.” She runs a claw up the cutout’s cardboard chest, and then throws her head back, fur flowing like the hair in a shampoo commercial.

She’s so close. Just a few more inches —

“NOW,” Mabel shouts, and Dipper lets the rope drop. The Gremloblin cage falls, trapping the monster inside.

Ford knows that the cage is no match for the monster’s strength, and he springs into action. He throws the cursed lavender to Mabel, who starts pouring it around the cage in a hexagon, while Ford jabs the ghostblood candles into the dirt along the leylines leading into the trap and lights the wicks.

The monster looks at them, its face horrible behind the bars.

“The book, Dipper!” Ford shouts, lighting the last candle. Daxtlar spells cannot be mastered by human memory. They can only be recorded in script.

The candle flames burn brighter as Ford reads, until the clearing is uncomfortably bright. Mabel hands them all sunglasses, and Ford keeps reading, his soul caught up in the working. Caught up in the unwinding.

Just when it seems like the light must burn them all to ash — just when Ford can barely see to keep reading — he reaches the end of the casting. There’s a moment of profound silence, and then the light fades away, leaving them squinting behind thick sunglasses.

Slowly, the sounds of the forest return.

Inside the cage, a small girl with stick-straight black hair and a striped t-shirt blinks up at them. 

“Mabel, why have I been locked in a cage?”

“Candy!” Mabel throws the cage door open and hugs her friend. “Remember that Puma Beat magazine we found at the Shop Thrifty?”

Candy blinks. “The spell worked?”

“A little too well,” Dipper says from the side of the clearing, where he’s rubbing his arms. 

Candy hugs Mabel back, and then accepts a pair of enormous glasses that Mabel pulls from her pocket.

“You were the most _beautiful_ monster,” Mabel tells her. “Your fur was so long and it was a beautiful shade of brown.”

Candy and Mabel talk about Candy’s experience on the way back — about how Candy’s parents accepted the news of their daughter’s accidental, possibly-non-temporary monsterfication (“They are familiar with the ways of Gravity Falls,” Candy says, solemnly). About what Candy remembers of her time in monster-land. (Not much.) About how their next slumber party can possibly top this one. (Dipper shivers.)

“When Grenda gets back from visiting Marius, we’ll have her bring the cage back,” Mabel says, patting Dipper’s arm. Dipper winces.

“I am so hungry,” Candy says, as they enter the Shack. “I believe that I could eat a horse.” She pauses. “Did I eat a horse?”

Mabel laughs loudly. It’s the kind of laugh Ford has noticed she uses when she’s covering for something. “Definitely not a horse!” she says. “Come on. If you can beat Dipper to it, there’s cereal in the kitchen. I’ll make you a special pitcher of Mabel Juice!”

Candy doesn’t look convinced, but she follows Dipper into the kitchen.

Mabel hangs back, looking up at Ford. “Thanks,” she says, and hurtles forward to hug Ford.

He looks down at her head, and pats it awkwardly.

The weirdness fields may have shifted, but this is the real change in Gravity Falls, Ford thinks. The version of himself who first came to Gravity Falls couldn’t have imagined this. Reconnecting with Stanley again. Finding himself with a family — a family who loves him.

As he loves them.

Mabel hugs him tighter, and then lets go. “Come on,” she says. “I’ll let you decide which glitter I add to the Mabel Juice!”

“Perhaps no glitter is the most prudent choice,” Ford says. He lets her take his hand and pull him into the kitchen. 

Mabel’s family. He’s pretty sure he can talk her down to a Pitt Cola.


End file.
